Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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