So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
