I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
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i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
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So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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