i think my mom watched the whole time
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
