We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
