2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
