Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
