when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
