Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
