I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
