I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
