I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
