i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
