Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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