Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
