maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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