You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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