My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
