Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
