apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
