Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
