please come you make the beer taste better
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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