Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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