he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
