I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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