When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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