Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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