Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
