So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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