Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
