I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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