I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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