The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
