Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
