I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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