dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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