When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She bit a glass in half.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
