Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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