Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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