I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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