Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
