Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
