I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
