You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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