Is it because I queefed?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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