What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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