If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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