he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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