Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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