Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
