Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
