why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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