the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
