Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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