So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
