it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
