Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
